


and possibly i like the thrill

by queerlyobscure (softestpunk)



Category: Captain America (2011), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-13
Updated: 2012-06-13
Packaged: 2017-11-07 15:06:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softestpunk/pseuds/queerlyobscure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite knowing that the arc reactor is a marvel of technology and a life-saving piece of equipment, Tony hates it sometimes. He hates that it makes him visible, and vulnerable, and a danger to his team, and he maybe even hates that Steve has to see it all the time. Steve loves it for all the reasons Tony doesn't, and he's determined to show him how much it doesn't matter to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and possibly i like the thrill

**Author's Note:**

> Title pilfered wholesale from _i like my body when it is with your_ , by e. e. cummings, because it fits and my pretension knows no bounds.

If the doors in the Avengers mansion could slam, Tony would have slammed every single one between the front door and his workshop. He made do with angry punching in of his access code and sitting on the stool in front of the project he was working on as though defying it to break under his weight, but it was nowhere near as satisfying.  
  
Minutes passed in which he tried to go back to work, but he was still too angry to do anything. Even if he could summon up the creative energy to actually figure something out, his hands were shaking too hard for him to act on it.  
  
The door to the workshop opened suddenly, but Tony didn’t bother to look up to see who it was. He’d let everyone who had access down enough that talking to them didn’t seem like the greatest plan right now. So it was kind of a surprise when warm, familiar arms wrapped around his waist from behind - especially since he’d nearly gotten their owner killed less than an hour before.  
  
“Steve?” Tony sat up, wondering how he’d gotten lucky enough that Steve was apparently still okay enough with him to touch him at all.  
  
“Hey,” Steve whispered in his ear and then kissed it. “You okay?”  
  
“Am  _I_ okay? What about you? An inch to the left and-”  
  
“Shh. Doesn’t matter, didn’t happen. All healed up.” Steve squeezed him a little tighter. “So. Are you okay?”  
  
“I’m fine,” Tony lied.  
  
Steve only hummed softly and kissed his neck. “It’s not your fault, Tony.”  
  
“Fault isn’t the issue, here. I have a glowing fucking target in the middle of my chest. And I’m only a delicate little human when I’m not suited up and yeah, I like to play superhero and eventually it’s going to get one of you killed because people recognise me, suit or no suit.”  
  
“Actually, you’re a pretty brilliant strategist when you put your mind to it. And you’ve got so much heart.”  
  
“My  _heart_ nearly killed you.”  
  
“Now you’re being dramatic. A bad guy took a shot at you and I got in the way. Kind of how it’s supposed to go. I’m not upset except that  _you’re_ upset and I want you not to be.” Steve moved a hand up from Tony’s stomach to settle over the arc reactor, but Tony caught his wrist before he touched it.  
  
“Don’t. Please.”  
  
“Okay.” Steve dropped his hand. “Do I get an explanation?”  
  
“I don’t need you to be any more disgusted with... me,” Tony finished quietly.  
  
“I’m not.” Steve moved his hand back to the safety of Tony’s waist. “Why would I be?”  
  
“Because I have a giant glowing target where my heart should be? You’re great about ignoring it, Steve. And I’m grateful that you are because you really do have a great heart and for a guy seventy years out of his time, you’ve got a serious handle on the acceptance thing.”  
  
“I love the arc reactor,” Steve began, squeezing Tony tight enough to wind him a little when he opened his mouth to object. “Hear me out. I love it because it kept you alive long enough for me to wake up and meet you. I love it because it spurred you on to becoming Iron Man, who gets the prize for best hero because you’re the only one who chose it on purpose, knowing all the consequences going in. And I love it because it means getting into your heart is kinda tough, but once you’re there, you’re safe.”  
  
Tony swallowed. It was kind of hard to argue when Steve was murmuring nice things against his neck. “You forgot ‘makes a great reading light’.”  
  
“When do I ever get the chance to read in bed with you?” Steve inched his fingers up again, not to touch the reactor, but close enough that he wasn’t deliberately avoiding it.  
  
“Fair point. Doesn’t it press into you, though? I mean, this isn’t about metaphorical appreciation. There is an actual physical thing sticking out of my chest, here.”  
  
“Never really noticed.” Steve shrugged. “Oh, please tell me you don’t sit up so it won’t when you... umm, you know.”  
  
“Ride you? No, that’s a personal position-related preference. But not having to press a small nuclear generator into you is definitely an advantage on top of having a great view.”  
  
Steve paused for a moment, then sighed and stroked Tony’s sides. He let a silence form for a while to gather his thoughts before speaking up again. “Tony... does it hurt? The reactor, I mean.”   
  
Tony shook his head. “I wouldn’t say it hurt. There’s a constant pressure, I guess, but I’m used to it now. Better than being dead.”  
  
“Oh, Tony.” Steve turned the stool Tony was sitting on around and hugged him from the front, careful not to put too much extra pressure on his chest but keeping him close all the same. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”  
  
“I didn’t  want you to know. I don’t want it to be a thing in the front of your mind, ‘what if I hurt Tony by touching him?’. I’d rather you  did hurt me than that you never touched me and I’m not saying you do, because you don’t, ever, but given a choice, that’s what I’d pick. Every time.”  
  
“I’m not going to stop touching you.” Steve shifted his hold so he could support Tony’s legs and pick him up. Automatically, Tony put his arms around Steve’s neck to hang on, and let himself be carried away. “And I’m going to teach you to love the arc reactor as much as I do. Even physically. Promise.”  
  
“You sound like you have a plan.”  
  
Steve hummed. “You know that full-length mirror in your room?”  
  
“I like where this is going.” Tony snuggled closer. “You sure you’re healed enough?”  
  
“I’d have to be on my deathbed not to be. Nothing else would stop me right now.”  
  
“I’m serious here. Bleeding isn’t really sexy.” Tony paused. “Unless you’re into that.”  
  
“Are people often into that?”  
  
“Not anyone you’re likely to have sex with in the foreseeable future. I’m keeping you.” Tony leaned his chin on Steve’s shoulder. “And I’m not sharing. Unless you really want to because there’s not much I wouldn’t do for you and I get that sticking to the one person could get really boring really quickly.”  
  
“We can cross that bridge if I get tired of you.” Steve kissed Tony’s hair and then shifted his weight onto one arm so he could open the door to their room with the other. “So not going to be a problem in the foreseeable future.”  
  
“So how does the rest of this plan go?”  
  
“Well, first you need to be undressed.” Steve set Tony down on the bed gently and barely paused before grabbing the hem of his t-shirt and pulling it up over his head.   
  
“I see we’re not wasting any time on that front.” Tony blinked and shrunk back a little, looking down at the arc reactor self-consciously.   
  
“Hey.” Steve reached out and tilted Tony’s chin up. “I’ve seen you naked before, you know.”  
  
“Most of the internet-connected world has seen me naked before.”  
  
Steve smiled and leaned down to press his lips to Tony’s. He backed off when Tony made no attempt to deepen it. “This is a much bigger deal to you than I thought, isn’t it?”  
  
Tony winced at Steve’s overly-gentle tone, but nodded. “You are  _so perfect_ . I’m not.”  
  
“Who says?”  
  
“Umm.” Tony looked down at his chest again. “Not exactly difficult to spot.”  
  
To Tony’s surprise, Steve knelt down on the floor in front of him, between his legs, and placed a soft kiss to the centre of the arc reactor. Despite the fact that he knew logically that there was no way he could have felt it, Tony’s skin tingled all over at the touch.   
  
“You’re exactly as I’d want you to be. The reactor is an important part of you. It’s the first thing I ever found out about you and everyone told me it was complete genius and I know that it is. I’m not as smart as you and I’m sure I don’t actually understand  how smart you are, but I’m proud of you for it anyway. And I’m proud of you for being brave enough to build it under the pressure you did, too, and I’m so, so happy you’ve achieved everything you have since, because I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t.” Steve took a breath before continuing. “I hate that it makes you unhappy, because I don’t want you to be unhappy, and if there was some way I could save you from it happening at all, I’d do it if you asked. But I don’t think it’d make you any happier. I wish it wasn’t making you uncomfortable, but I’ll never wish it wasn’t there.”  
  
Tony reached out to play with Steve’s hair. “Even if it makes people shoot at you?”  
  
“Even then. It’s not like I’m not used to it.”  
  
“Fair point.” Tony sighed as he twirled a strand of Steve’s hair around his finger. “All right. How does the rest of this plan go?”  
  
Steve grinned in a way that might have been unsettling under different circumstances, and stood up again. “Take off your pants.”  
  
“Have I mentioned how much I love it when you get bossy?” Tony wriggled out of his pants and underwear without any further argument, watching as Steve re-positioned the mirror that he’d teased Tony over the first time he’d seen it. Like Steve perfect-hair Rogers never looked in a mirror. Yeah, right.  
  
“I notice I’m the only one who’s undressed, here.” Tony pointed out as Steve walked back towards him.  
  
“And it’s going to stay like that.” Steve nodded seriously. “We’re looking at you, not at me.”  
  
Tony thought about that for the half-second it took him to get lost in having Steve manhandle him with that firm-but-gentle attitude he had going on, and didn’t really get what Steve was talking about until he looked forward and saw himself, knees either side of Steve’s legs, facing out towards the mirror. As weird as it was for him to think it, he suddenly felt completely exposed; he was the only one naked, here, and he really had nothing at all to hide behind. Not with Steve. Steve saw through every defence Tony put up and peeled it back with no more effort than a banana skin.  
  
There were probably better analogies for the moment than ones involving bananas, but it was too late to un-think it now, anyway.   
  
“This isn’t quite what I was expecting.” Tony looked himself over in the mirror blankly, not exactly used to seeing his own body in this position, but not finding enough novelty in it to be particularly interested.  
  
“What were you expecting?” Steve murmured into the back of his neck, making the short hairs there stand on end and sending a shiver down Tony’s back.  
  
“A lot more nakedness on your part, to start with. I like it when you’re naked.”  
  
“Okay, well, that part of the plan is non-negotiable. This isn’t about me.” Steve started drawing little circles on Tony’s shoulder blades with his fingertips, relieving tension he hadn’t exactly been aware of.   
  
“Then you’re going to have to explain what I’m supposed to be doing, here.” Tony rolled his shoulders and relaxed into the touch despite himself. Steve made it hard to stay tense when he was doing magic things with his fingers.  
  
“You’re supposed to be seeing how beautiful you are.”  
  
Tony swallowed. “I don’t mind as long as you don’t.”  
  
“You know what scares me about you saying that? That you think I’m... coping with you, or something. Like I wouldn’t specifically choose you.”  
  
“Would you? If I hadn’t been the first familiar thing that came along?” Tony bit his lip. He thought of himself as a pretty good catch, for the average person, but not for Steve. No one was good enough to match up to how  good Steve was, and he wasn’t even in the top ten.  
  
“Tony...” Steve’s voice cracked, and he swallowed before trying again. “Yes. Yes, every time, in every possible universe. I’d always be here. And you’re only familiar at first glance, anyway.”  
  
Tony looked down at the arc reactor again and sighed. “Yeah.”  
  
“No. That’s so far from what I mean that it’s ridiculous.” Steve paused for a moment, then kissed the back of Tony’s neck. “You mean the world to me, okay? Just try to see yourself as I see you for a little while. For me.”  
  
Tony nodded, swallowed, and looked up again, trying desperately to understand what Steve was trying to show him if only to make him happy. “I know people accuse me of being a narcissist, but I’m not exactly attracted to myself. That’d be weird.”  
  
“You say that like you don’t love weird.” Steve laughed, warm breath blowing through Tony’s hair. He moved a hand around to rest over Tony’s stomach, circling his navel with a fingertip. When that got a response, Tony squirming in his lap, Steve shifted his hips and pressed his trapped erection against him. “Feel that?”  
  
“Oh yes.” Tony ground down against him. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”  
  
Steve shook his head. “I want you to think about what it means in this context.”  
  
“Well, it’s probably a little late for The Talk, but it normally means that you’re horny,” Tony explained, deadpan.  
  
“I’m really not. I’m too worried about you right now to think about sex. But we’re alone and you’re nearby. I thought for a while there was something wrong with me, because I kept having these weird little reactions when you were around. I get it now. Do you?”  
  
Nodding slowly, Tony settled back against Steve’s chest. “Your point is that you’re attracted to me. Which is good to know, because while I doubted it was just about the sex for  _you_ , of all people, I’m all for having my fragile self-image petted.”  
  
Steve kissed across Tony’s shoulders slowly, covering every inch in a straight line all the way over his back. Tony squirmed at the contact, a soft whimper escaping him.  
  
“Starting to get hard?” Steve wasn’t looking at him in the mirror at all, concentrating instead on Tony’s neck. He ran his nose up and down it in a move that Tony would never have thought of as sexy until he had it done to him. He nodded, mouth too dry to answer properly.  
  
“Good.” Steve kept kissing at his neck, tongue darting out between his lips from time to time for teasing little licks. He was such an amazing natural at this that if Tony didn’t know him, he’d assume he was lying about his inexperience. “Touch yourself.”  
  
“Wow. Forward for you,” Tony teased breathlessly, but his hand drifted to his cock all the same, wrapping around the length with a comforting familiarity.  
  
“I’d be more polite, but you’d shrug me off. This is important.” One of Steve’s hands drifted between Tony’s legs, only stroking the inside of his thigh at first, but then moving slowly to fondle his balls as though they were something he was idly investigating.  
  
“Nice to have your participation,” Tony gasped. “Have I mentioned that I really like having sex with you? I really like it. Just so we’re clear.”  
  
Steve giggled and moved his other hand to hold Tony close, grinding his hips gently against him. “The bit where you start babbling is always my favourite.” He grinned against Tony’s shoulder. “Means it’s going well.”  
  
“Always goes well when you’re involved.” Tony tightened his grip on his cock and sped up his strokes a little, grateful that Steve wasn’t trying to stop him. “You are so amazingly good at this.”  
  
“Not so bad yourself,” Steve whispered against Tony’s neck. “Do you see it, yet?”  
  
“I don’t  care any more. I don’t. Just want you-  _oh, ah_ .” Tony cut himself off with a moan as he came, shutting his eyes tightly for a moment just to enjoy the sensation and the warmth of Steve behind him. When he opened his eyes again, he couldn’t help but stare at himself in the mirror. Flushed and panting and just beginning to sweat a little, he looked... different. He looked like Steve made him feel all the time, and yeah, if that was what Steve saw...  
  
“You’re thinking very loudly. And yeah, that’s what you’re supposed to see, right there.” Steve grinned at him in the mirror, letting his face show for the first time since he’d sat down. It took Tony a few moments to notice that Steve’s hand was covering the arc reactor, but instead of flinching away this time, he gave in to the flood of warmth in his stomach and put his own hand over Steve’s to link their fingers together.  
  
“I think I’m starting to get it.” Tony panted, letting his head fall back onto Steve’s shoulder.  
  
“We’ll keep doing it until you’re sure. I’m starting to think of all kinds of places to put that mirror.” Steve kissed Tony’s cheek. “Could be fun.”  
  
“Fun  _and_ educational. You’re so responsible.” Tony laughed softly. “Steve?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I like the way we look together.”


End file.
